Wednesday, August 5, 2015

DICK CHENEY’S BRAIN WANTS TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT


Due to a miracle of modern medicine and unlimited funding, death will not stop Dick Cheney's brain from running for President.

WHO AM I?
     I am Dick Cheney’s brain. I have been in confidential discussions with the 1% of the 1% (wealthiest of the wealthy) and we have decided I will run for President if the opportunity presents itself. I have volunteered to be harvested in order to be the first cyborg-enhanced President.
     Dick said, “Over my dead body!” and we said, “Of course.” (Yuk, Yuk! And you thought Dick Cheney didn’t have a funny thought in his head!) I will live in a small PetSmart fish tank supported by finest advanced technology known to man provided by America's highest high-tech companies.
     I will be the most experienced candidate for President. I worked for Nixon and Ford White Houses and was Chief of Staff, was elected in Wyoming then served as Secretary of Defense, Vice President, and I will have overcome death.
     The choice of me for President is obvious. Wouldn’t you rather have a brilliant, experienced brain in a secure fish-tank than a woman married to an lusting, sinner who ought to have an “A” branded on his forehead; a hair-brained Libertarian daddy’s boy or any one of those not-truly-conservatives? If I die before the election, I have earned this.
     Since I will have died and cannot die again, I can guarantee that if you elect me, you will have a leader who has proven he is not afraid to take on dictators, thugs and scumbags - not necessarily in that order.

WHY AM I HERE?
     There are weapons of mass destruction poised to do the U.S. harm. There is a coup ready to happen. If you don’t have THE RIGHT leader who BELIEVES this, and is ready to ACT and ACT swiftly, your way of life is in peril as it was with the 1st, uh, 2nd Iraq invasion. You know me - well, you knew Dick. You know that I will - he would - move whatever political, military and economic levers necessary to remove the terrorists, domestic and foreign. And, I was his brain.
     You need a strong man in office, and I am the strongest candidate, even if I may be physically floating in a PetSmart fish-tank hooked up by Haliburton, Microsoft and Dell. Google has provided me with a set of glasses. Dragon Naturally Speaking will let me dictate all communication. Blue Tooth makes me smile. I will be on the job, 24/7 which is good because we will need the extra time to undo this pathetic administration’s Socialistic efforts. I am totally NOT unafraid to stand up, or drift up, for American values and take our country back from the dangerous path on which it has been traveling.
     I don’t have a backbone but my spineless body has more spine than those so-called patriots in Congress! I’ll show you how to overcome gridlock! After all, I orchestrated the War on Terror, pushed through the NSA wiretapping and waterboarding. When I’m President, Congress better pay attention or else a little invitation to visit with the fish tank!

WHAT DO I WANT?
     I want you to look at my track record! I voted against the Department of Education and Head Start. What a waste of money, educating young poor kids (didn't do ME any good!)! Sorry President Reagan, but I voted to against the sanctions on South Africa because of apartheid – that was bad for business and 1%/1% profits!  I also opposed releasing Nelson Mandella – that man was a terrorist and worse, a Communist!
     Gorbachev and Yeltsin - if I was skeptical, VERY skeptical about those guys, guess where I stand on Putin? Can a fish tank snarl? The Saudis? How did their sand get on our oil? And, remember, it was ME who ordered the invasion of Panama. Not bad for a floater.
     I want the Tea Party to remember that a TRUE American KEEPS LOOKING for “yellow cake” until he finds it.
     Look at how WRONG the world has been on so many things – I’d shake my head in disbelief if I had a head!
     I want you to look at my record and get over any inhibitions you may have about electing a floater. I once had a birth certificate, I will have a death certificate and I will have a PetSmart fish tank certificate.
     Does the Constitution allow this? The Constitution says nothing about this. After all, how many Presidents have we had with NO brain whatsoever?  Plus with the Supreme Court we got now, no-problemo!

(c) Copyright 2014 Jean W. Yeager
All Rights Reserved    



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