This will appear in the 2016-17 Ageless Authors anthology to be published soon.
“I am your Deputy Barney self. I’m your built-in
system for thought, emotions and behavior. I’m on guard and on patrol 24/7. With
my quick reactions you are
hyper-vigilant! Nothing gets by me, I mean, you. You are armed and ready! I
have a dash-cam in my squad car; I mean you,
have a... <grin> you know what I mean. I, you have a taser on my, your hip. I am quick thinking and
fearless!”
“And your
Deputy Barney self quickly jumps to conclusions 100% of the time, don’t you,
Barney?”
“Yeah.” <grin> “I’m a machine for jumping to conclusions, aren’t I Sheriff Andy?”
“And statistically, 80%
of the time, your intuitive conclusions are wrong,
aren’t they Barn? Your conclusions
lead to contusions.”*
“Oh,
Sheriff Andy! You know I don’t like statistics!”
“The
Sheriff Andy self is not impulsive. Sheriff Andy thinking slows you down. The
Deputy Barney self wants you to believe quick action is the way to go, right
Barn?”
“Well,” <grin> “I don’t have time for
reflection! I’m a doer, I see and I
do.” (Pointing a finger),
“Click-bang!”
“Click bang, huh?! So, tell ‘em, why did you un-holstered your
TASER in the squad car?”
“It’s my job to be ready
for bad guys. I was practicing my quick-draw.”
“TASERed your crotch, huh?”
“It was an accident”
“Thousands of people in
our country get shot accidentally each year? That’s why I made you unload the
bullets from your service revolver.”
“But,
Andy! I can’t be courageous with an unloaded
gun! I gotta be a winner.”
“You
haven’t re-loaded, have you!?”
“No.”
<moping> “I got my bullets
right here!” (Pats shirt pocket.)
But, Sheriff Andy, that TASER shot was not
my fault.”
“The Barney
brain will never admit it made a mistake.”
“Why should I? Live and learn is my motto,
Andy.”
“Learn?
Don’t think the Barney brain is strong on forethought, are you Barn. Tell ‘em
about eating chili with beans in the squad car.”
“I
hate dash-cams with audio. Not fair. Ought to be banned from squad cars. We
deputies are professional!”
“Sheriff
Andy, after what happened in France, Orlando and Dallas, Mayberry’s finest needs
body armor.”
“Oh,
really? The Barney self wants body armor?”
“Yeah
with “POLICE” stenciled on the back. And a black sweater! ‘N black paratroop
pants, and a real-ly nice black belt
with lots of holsters ‘n pockets to put stuff in! And a black truncheon in case
it gets hand-to-hand! Oh, and storm trooper boots!
‘N a black balaclava, so only my eyes are visible. And, of course, a black
euro-style helmet stenciled with 2-inch high letters reading: “MAYBERRY SHERIFF
DEPARTMENT – M.S.D. - SWAT TEAM – B. FIFE, DEPUTY”.
“You
really thought that out well, didn’t you Barney.”
“Yeah.”
<grin>
“2-inch
high letters? SWAT? As in fly-swatter?
That’s the kind of SWAT we need around here.”
“Mark
my words, Andy, there are rumors of foreigners.
Strangers coming to Mayberry! It’s
all over the social media!”
“Barney,
this is fear talking. I’m gonna have
to ask you to turn off your wi-fi tablet in the squad car. You’ve been sitting
in the squad car watching the internet and FaceBooking with Gomer.”
“But
Andy... !”
“Apparently
it makes you afraid of our new neighbors. So, as Sheriff, I want you to turn of
the social media! I want you to talk
to people. Just do your job. We don’t have to be paranoid here.”
“Oh,
come on, Sheriff Andy! I heard a new Falafel Restaurant may come into town. I
gotta investigate!”
“Yes,
go investigate. Meet the new owners. It’s Aisha, the wife of Ali, the new math
teacher at the high school. Don’t over-react, Barney.”
“Can
I get anti-terrorist gear?”
“The Deputy Barney brain
like to snoop around at night, dressed in black. Right Barney?”
“I gotta be suspicious
24/7. It’s my job!”
“Aunt Bea would be scared out of her wits to
see you sneaking around at night dressed all in black! Why do you want to scare
Aunt Bea or anybody?”
“But, you can’t prove we’re safe!”
“Barney, settle down! If
you scare the Gomer, Goober, or the Floyd the Barber brains, one of them might
accidentally shoot you! You don’t want that and neither do I.”
“Aw An-dy!”
“We don’t need terrorists
in our souls. Do we Barney?”
*Sheriff
Andy and Deputy Barney are inspired by Pulitzer Prize Winning Psychologist Daniel
Kahneman’s book, “THINKING, FAST AND SLOW” which describes the two systems
within us.
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(C) Copyright 201`5, Jean W. Yeager - All Rights Reserved
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(C) Copyright 201`5, Jean W. Yeager - All Rights Reserved
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