Tuesday, March 14, 2017

LIGHTING ALT FARTS

JUNE CLEAVER sweeps into the room. WARD CLEAVER sits on the sofa reading a newspaper. There is a knock on the door.

JUNE:     I’ll get that.

She exits and then returns with SGT JOE FRIDAY.

JUNE:     Ward? A policeman here to see us.

WARD tilts down paper and looks alarmed.

WARD:     A policeman?

FRIDAY:   Mrs. Cleaver, Mr. Cleaver, I’m Sergeant Friday with the
          School Police.

JUNE:     School police?

WARD:     Is Theodore in trouble?

FRIDAY:   I’m sorry to say that your son and the Trump boy were
          caught lighting farts in the locker room.

WARD:     Lighting farts?

FRIDAY:   Oh, don’t worry sir, it’s typical junior high school
          hyjinks - happens all the time.

JUNE:     Really? Lighting farts is typical?

FRIDAY:   Yes ma’am. When the cafeteria serves mystery meat,
          fruit cup and pork ’n beans, some of the Britebart 
          Brats and the T-Party Toadies, when they go to P.E., 
          they can’t help but strip to their tidy-whities, pull 
          ‘em tight, Flic-the-Bic ‘n let ‘er rip!

JUNE:     Oh, my!

FRIDAY:  Sometimes the blue flames shoots a foot and looks just 
         like a Senate Majority Leader tie!

WARD:     If it’s typical why are you here?

FRIDAY:   This time, the Trump boy was injured.

JUNE:     (CONCERNED) The Trump boy? Injured?

FRIDAY:   Yes ma’am. He tried to “Repeal and Replace”.

WARD:     “Repeal and Replace”?

FRIDAY:   Not a good idea to repeal a fart, but repeal and
          replace is typical junior high thinking. Dangerous if
          you’re trying to impress people.

JUNE:     Is he badly hurt?

FRIDAY:   What do you think happens when you try to repeal and
          replace something combustible and under pressure?!

JUNE:     And Theodore?

FRIDAY:   He ran for Nurse Kellyanne. She brought ointment and a
          trowel.

WARD:     Our Beaver a hero.

FRIDAY:   I came to ask you to treat the Trump boy with a little
          tenderness for a while. Don’t laugh at the waddle.

WARD:     So, the American Health Care Act doesn’t cover
          repealing and replacing farts? 

FRIDAY:   Just ask the Trump boy.


© Copyright 2017, Jean W. Yeager
All rights Reserved.
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