WHO AM I?
From the moment we are born, we have experiences. We “wear” our
experiences. Layer after layer your experiences in the form of memories, emotions
like disappointments, muscle memories, injuries all affect how freely we move, are
bound to us inwardly and outwardly. They are like unfortunate garments which
belong to us and which we cannot remove without great effort. It’s like once
you have an experience, you are changed. My new possibilities of new days, new
ways of doing things, having new loves or discovering new friendship, exploring
new adventures – is somehow affected by these unfortunate garments I must wear.
For example, I got
this leather jacket years ago because I thought it was “cool” and I saved up a
lot of money to get it. I thought it would protect me from things I hoped would
never happen to me. It didn’t. It got me into trouble so to one group of people,
I’m the goofy guy with the leather jacket.
Some garments are defensive. Yes, my belly does hang over these
swimming trunks, but you can’t ever tell when you’ll need swimming trunks. I
once did without them and a hot tub came into play. Anyway, I can’t take them
off. If I take them off, I’d be naked and vulnerable. I’d be cold. I might be
ridiculed. See? Layers of unfortunate decisions.
Unfortunately, I can’t
even think or dream now without being within the garments of my experiences.
Everything now gets filtered through these layers. It’s like I’m swimming and
I’m at the bottom and I look up and see people swimming above me in swimsuits –
but here I am at the bottom in unfortunate garments. They swim away so freely.
WHY AM I HERE?
The world gives us the first layer of unfortunate garments. It’s
what happens TO you beginning at birth. Where were you born? Was it hot or cold?
Day or night? Were you healthy or not? These garments are given to you by life
and your fortunes or misfortunes – your experiences. You’re born with your
first sensual (or sentient) experiences. Were you touched? Loved? Held? I was
born pre-maturely, adopted at birth, and spent the first 6-weeks in a metallic
box incubator lined with a blanket. Not the usual first “layer” of experience. The
guys I’ve taught in maximum security prisons had layers of experiences which were
traumatic, chaotic, full of shouting, and blows. Quite the opposite of the
isolating experience of a metallic box and a blanket. But, what is the “usual”
first layer? Whatever we get, we get.
This first layer is
something we all are “given” by life. The next layer is what you do to yourself
– your choices. Good choices, bad choices, good influences from friends, family
or school; bad influences.
Unfortunate garments wrap us with an image or a version of
reality which we can mistake for The Reality. These are OUR reality, but they
are not THE reality. Casting them off takes a long time and is a struggle –
like the literal struggle of getting out of an overly tight sweater or a butterfly out of a cocoon.
WHAT DO I WANT?
Sometimes I’ve
wondered if it would it be better to wear a uniform or a robe which reveals no individual
mis-fortune and hides our personal fate? We could avoid being judged by others,
but maybe it is better to wear our hearts on our sleeves?
Now I feel that I am
changing out some of my unfortunate garments – that this is getting easier to
do. I find that the “styles” are
changing or that I am changing my own preconception and getting free of being
who ever I was that wore that leater jacket.
This Madras shirt, for example, with colors that bleed together?
This was an experiential gift from a woman who was too pushy and self-centered
and we bled all over one another. I’ve avoided Madras from then on. Get it
outta here! These burnt socks? That was
meeting at the writer’s circle where I felt like I had to walk across hot coals
of embarrassment. Oh well. That’s one I won’t hang onto. Forgive but don’t
forget. This tie is a Jerry Garcia brand and I love it. At least I have ONE not
unfortunate garment. But, Jerry died, but a brand and a band lives on.
© Copyright
2015, Jean W. Yeager
All Rights Reserved
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Jan – June 2014 threesimplequestions Blog Posts
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"Th3 Simple Questions: Slice Open Everyday Life"
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http:/www.th3simplequestions.com
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