WHO AM I?
I am a
“little i”. Ironically, my “little i” is my “higher self” in that it is my bond
with the universal in mankind. My “little i” is its “brother’s keeper”.
But, I also
have a “big I” as well. This “big I” is, ironically, my “lower self” in the
sense that it is self-centered, vain and self-serving. It seeks to estrange me
from everyone else, it wants to be its “brother’s jailer”.
My “big i”
wants a greater portion of life’s booty for me. It is proud of what I have accomplished
in my life. It wants to stand in a public place and shout out a list of my
greatness to the world. “Give me a little more me, please!” (Bob Stanford)
My “little
i” knows that, actually, very few people care. My “little i” finds it boring to
continually listen to my Big I talk about my Big I’s accomplishments. My
“little i” does not live in a Tower bearing my name. My “little i” does not
need these things. It does not need put other people down in order to feel big.
WHY AM I HERE?
It is very
interesting to have these two I’s within.
My Big I
seems to be encouraged by outer groups, laws and governmental policies and
bureaucratic systems; while my littleness is not. This has unexpected
consequences. The more that my “little i” has to struggle to practice humility
and humbleness, it becomes more and more aware of the multitude of ways that the
Big I’s have created a system of self-serving egos who really don’t give a damn
for one another but who prop one another up like a giant stack of very thin
playing cards which looks very impressive.
My “little
i” is true to myself is my True Self. It has the power to live life without
needing life to come to it. It recognizes the struggle for the True Self in
others and supports that struggle but needs and wants no recognition for this
support. This is just what “little i’s” do.
All “little
i’s” have a set of values and practices which comprise their unique integrity. These make the “little i’s”
consistent and coherent. Others depend on them for being themselves, always. The struggle of my “little i” makes it
stronger. It is not bitter that life is dominated by “Big I’s”, drug dealers,
corporate bullies, or people who regret that they have no time to do their jobs
well; and it does not “give up” or “give in” to the insanity of big systems. “These
are just another opportunity to practice equanimity.”
WHAT DO I WANT?
My Big I wants all the big things: fame, glory, wealth, accomplishments,
the Tower named after me, the Gold, Stocks and hot cars, beautiful women, and a
“mass outpouring of love from a grateful nation” (Woody Allen). My Big I would
quietly sit for days and listen to a stadium filled with celebrities reading a
list of my Big I’s greatness (even if it was full of lies and boasts) at the
end my Big I would say “thank you” and tell you, “I am too nice a guy to say
you’re lying.” (Shel Silverstein)
Most of all, my Big I loves POWER. Not just a small amount, we’re
talking megalomania, addiction to “myself”. And, if this addiction to self were
to cost as much as heroine, my Big I would sell all its trophies and lose all
its glory because it thinks it wants more bigness.
But, there is never enough bigness.
What does my “little i” want? Not much. It's enough to show up and do a few little things on a regular basis.
© Copyright 2015 Jean W. Yeager
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