Three Simple Questions: UNDRESSING CLARK KENT

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THE DAILY PLANET

INTER-OFFICE MEMO – FROM PERRY WHITE, EDITOR IN CHIEF

TO: CLARK KENT

Clark –

This is “Wellness Month” here at the Daily Planet and I would like a “human interest” story from you about men’s health issues. Go on down to the Planet’s Staff Doctor’s office and go through the usual screenings for guys your age: blood pressure, Prostate Specific Antigen or PSA blood test, DRE Prostate Exam, colorectal cancer screening, the works; and then write about your experiences and how much better you feel after being screened.

I want that in the Monday morning edition.

/signed/ Perry

-30-

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“Jimmy?”

“Yeah, Clark!”

“Jimmy, this is “Wellness Month” here at the Daily Planet and the boss has given me an assignment. I need you to go with me down to the Planet’s Doctor’s office so you can get a wellness screening for me to write about.”

“Sure, Clark.

***

“Hi Mr. Kent, I’m Brianna, a Nurses Aide. I’ll take your vitals for the Doctor.”

“Brianna, I’m afraid I’m on deadline and might have to leave like a speeding bullet, so I brought Jimmy Olsen to take my place – he’ll take the health screening and I’ll write about his experiences.”

“Hi Brianna.” Said Jimmy.

“Hi Jimmy. Well, Mr. Kent, Jimmy is too young. The tests are for men your age. Editor White sent the Doctor a copy of his memo to you and she has all those tests set up for you today – so you can make your deadline. I’m sorry, Jimmy, you’ll just have to grow up.”

“She?” said Clark.

“Uh-huh. Constance Smith, MD. She’s doing women’s tests on Miss Lane today so Lois can write about those as well. It’ll be a great pair of health articles!”

“Well, Jimmy, thanks for trying.” Said Clark.

“Sure, Clark. See ya around. Good luck on your tests. Hope they don’t find cancer or something.”

“Let me get your weight first, Mr. Kent. Just step up on the scales. You can take off your jacket, put your hat and reporter’s pad on the little table. 225-pounds… and six feet two inches. Now, if you’ll follow me to the exam room, I’ll get your health history and take blood pressure.”

Brianna led him into an exam room with a table, one side chair and a stool on rollers. There was a hospital gown was on the exam table.

“Here’s a clipboard with a health history, I’ll let you fill that out and then I’ll come back and take your blood pressure.”

“So, what should I do?” Clark thought, “I can’t be perfect, can’t be super healthy. I’d better make up some minor health issues. But, what?”

As a super human, Clark had never really thought about human health issues before. Which should he have? There was a very long list from which to select. Headaches? Frequent urination? Flatulence? Tachycardia? Nocturnal emissions (whatever those were)? Inability to void (what?)?

“Damn,” Clark thought, “middle aged human men are a sack of problems.”

Brianna returned. Clark handed her his clipboard.

“Thank you, Mr. Kent.” She looked it over. “Do you take any medications?”

“No.” said Clark.

“Not even a baby aspirin every day for cardiac health?”

“Nope”.

“Well, you should. It’ll help keep you super healthy! Any known allergies?”

“Uh, Kryptonite”

“Kryptonite? What’s that? Some people are allergic to laytex. Dr. Smith has to use a non-latex glove when she does the DRE, otherwise the laytex causes a very itchy rash.”

“What’s a DRE?” asked Clark.

“Digital Rectal Exam. You definitely don’t want to break out in an itchy rash down there!” Brianna giggled.

Clark was becoming very concerned. Human problems were all new to man of steel. What would the super-human version of Brianna’s “itchy rash” be like… and Clark didn’t really know if he was allergic to laytex!

“So, what is kryptonite?” said Brianna writing on the clipboard.

“It’s like a rock… that gives off radiation. It’s from my home, uh… town.”

“Which is…?

“Smallville.” Brianna noted that.

“I’ll note it. How does it affect you? Rash?”

“Weakness.”

Brianna noted that. “Let me do your blood pressure, get a urine sample and draw some blood for the PSA and the doctor will come in for the DRE and colo-rectal exam.”

“Do I have to take off my shirt?” asked Clark.

“Not now,” said Brianna putting the BP cuff over his bicep, “these new cuffs are very sensitive.”

She began pumping the rubber bulb and her face grew more and more concerned.

“Mr. Kent!” said Brianna, “Something must be wrong with this blood pressure cuff! It says your blood pressure is very high. More than very high! Way too high! This can’t be right! Otherwise, you would blow blood right out of your body, unless you were made of steel! Which is crazy!” She shook her head and stared at the cuff. “Here… take his urine cup down the hall to the toilet. Just leave the sample on the little shelf when you’re done. I’ll get the blood-draw kit and meet you back here.”

“How much urine do you want?” Clark asked.

“Like you’ve never given urine before!” Brianna laughed. “Just an ounce. Silly man.”

Clark went down the hall to the toilet.

“This will be a real problem,” Clark thought, “What in the world will my urine show?”.

Undressing Clark Kent would reveal Superman and that was a secret which simply must not be revealed. But, what to do?

On his way down the hall, Clark heard a soft weeping and it was a voice he recognized. He used his x-ray vision to look through the wall to see who was inside, it was Lois Lane! He looked up and down the empty hall, then he tapped lightly and opened the door.

“Lois… are you all right?” he asked in a compassionate, friendly way.

“Oh, yes, Clark. I’m more than all right, I’m so happy! The doctor just told me I’m pregnant!”

“Pregnant? Really? Who…?”

“Superman!” Lois said, her eyes all aglow.

“Superman?” Clark said, stunned. “Lois Lane and Superman, my two best friends! I’m so happy for you and Superman, too, Lois! This is great!” Then he asked slyly, with a wink “Was it hard to get intimate that super guy, with that suit he wears?”

“Not at all. Superman was very passionate. You should ask him for some lessons, Clark. You are pathologically modest… undressing Clark Kent has proved impossible for me, even though I tried many times!”

“You did…?” stammered Clark, embarrassed.

Lois nodded and smiled sweetly.

“I suppose some people do say that I’m shy.” said Clark kissing her cheek. “Speaking of shy, I gotta go, I’ve got a hospital gown to avoid.”

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