Wednesday, March 25, 2015


I am standing in the ICU unit and actually it was hard to see him because of all the technology. If he had asked, I could not have said, “I.C.U.”. Five to six I.V.s, monitors, bags to gather fluids draining from lungs, bladders, chest cavities, an O2 canister all were part of the scene.

My son’s illness poured itself into my eyes and out of this force I realized I had to create strength to give him back what he needed to survive.

I did not wish to react, somehow, with the fear and dread at the magnitude of death which seems to be looming behind my back and over my head.


I wanted my eyes to be able to see and not be overpowered by the forces of the world and technology. I wanted to have the inner forces to hold the world forces back so that my eyes could SEE it all, discern the forces taking his strength and going toward death; and the forces going toward life. I want to be able to tell the doctors what I saw – what was pouring into my eyes.


I battled my heart for an opportunity to practice equanimity. If I failed and became sympathetic, love would fill my eyes and I would weep for my son. That would do no one any good. If I failed in the other direction, and was too cold or antipathetic, I would weep for myself and my loss and become an all too human but pathetic middle-aged man.

     I was not here to be blown about by the forces outside me, or by my emotions. I would make a time to weep later. At that moment, I realized this crotchety old anglo-guy must be a man and more, a warrior from a non-warlike-tribe that had to find it within himself to defend the space for his son’s healing.

This all poured into my eyes.

© Copyright 2015, Jean W. Yeager
All Rights Reserved

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