LIGHTING ALT FARTS
JUNE
CLEAVER sweeps into the room. WARD CLEAVER sits on the sofa reading a
newspaper. There is a knock on the door.
JUNE:
I’ll get that.
She exits and then returns with SGT JOE
FRIDAY.
JUNE:
Ward? A policeman here to see us.
WARD tilts down paper and looks alarmed.
WARD:
A policeman?
FRIDAY:
Mrs. Cleaver, Mr. Cleaver, I’m Sergeant
Friday with the School Police.
JUNE:
School police?
WARD:
Is Theodore in trouble?
FRIDAY:
I’m sorry to say that your son and the Trump
boy
were caught lighting farts in the locker
room.
WARD: Lighting farts?
FRIDAY:
Oh, don’t worry sir, it’s typical junior high
school hyjinks - happens all the time.
JUNE:
Really? Lighting farts is typical?
FRIDAY:
Yes ma’am. When the cafeteria serves
mystery meat, fruit cup and pork ’n beans...
some of the Britebart Brats and the T-Party
Toadies, before P.E., can’t help but strip
to
their tidy whities, pull 'em tight,
Flic-the-Bic
'n let 'er rip!
JUNE:
Oh, my!
FRIDAY:
Sometimes the blue flames shoot out a foot
and
looks just like the President’s tie.
WARD:
If this is typical, why are you here?
FRIDAY:
This time, the Trump boy was injured.
JUNE:
(CONCERNED) The Trump boy? Injured?
FRIDAY:
Yes ma’am. He tried to“Repeal
and Replace”.
WARD:
“Repeal and Replace”?
FRIDAY:
Not a good idea to repeal a fart!
But,
repeal and replace is typical junior high
thinking. Dangerous if you’re trying
to
show
off.
JUNE:
Is he badly hurt?
FRIDAY:
What do you think happens when you try to
repeal and replace something combustible
and
under pressure?!
JUNE:
And Theodore?
FRIDAY:
He ran for Nurse Kellyanne. She brought a
large tub
of ointment and a trowel.
WARD:
Our Beaver a hero!
FRIDAY:
I came to ask you to treat the Trump boy
with
a little tenderness for a while. Don’t
laugh
at the waddle.
WARD:
Does the NEW American Health Care Act
cover
repeal and replace fart scorches?
FRIDAY:
Nossir. Might be many waddlers come
Re-election.
WRITTEN DURING THE LAST ELECTION CYCLE -
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