NEW YEAR’S CONFESSION RESOLUTION

WHO AM I?

     Okay, I am warming up for a New Year’s Resolution but have to start with a confession.

I have just (barely) returned from the most disgusting place on our planet - and I am embarrassed to say it is beneath my side of our bed!

I felt like a CSI investigator and that I should mark each one of these artifacts as evidence.

To my eldest son age 36, mystery over! I have now found the missing stuffed toy.

To my daughter, your hamster can now rest in peace.

To my youngest son, I'm SO sorry! (leave it at that).

I honestly do not remember sliding so many things under the bed so I would know where to find them. I found them okay, that part worked. But skis and snow shoes?

I suggest each one of you clean under your bed, oh, at least ONCE every THREE YEARS. That's not too much to sugest, is it!?

Sorry to unload on everyone, but I just had to process for a moment before I put the breather-unit back on and get back in there.

WHY AM I HERE?

     To share if that’s what we call shouting warnings to social networking passers-by these days.

There was so much dust under just my side of the bed, my vacuum clogged. Scooting on the carpet charged my shoes with static electricity so when I stuck my feet under there – Static “Ugh Boots.”

Forget the 8-pound, Orrick -  go for the 28-pound ShopVac. Better yet, that thing the dental hygienist uses that just sucks the stuff up so you never see it again. Get the Giant Sized one that can handle several pair of old slippers.

I can now confirm that the Theory of Evolution applies to dust bunnies. And, as they grow they get ‘tude: these were large and angry at being interrupted.

The Law of Thermodynamics which says that matter is never destroyed but only changes forms unfortunately also applies to someone’s thong which went missing. (I thought it was a thong – thorta looked like one.)

Those menacing, glowing little eyes which were in the “Calvin and Hobbes” comics?  THEY ARE STILL THERE but under YOUR BED.

WHAT DO I WANT?

I am working with a patent attorney on the rights to the entirely new products and species that I have brought out from under my side of the bed.

Take a squirt-tube of Avon “SkinSoSoft”, toss it under the bed; wait a very, very LONG time, then squeeze. Voila – SkinSoYuck!

I have discovered what grows in old Ben and Jerry’s cartons -  “Cherry Gar-salmonella”. The National Institute of Health called dibs on that.

Your head may be bald but the land beneath your bed doesn’t need a comb-over.

Now you know where you should look when you lose your sense of humor. A word of caution: it doesn’t look today like how you remembered it.

My New Year’s Resolution? Besides the obvious one which will soften the glare in my wife’s eyes...?

© Copyright 2014, Jean W. Yeager

All Rights Reserved

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